A Lonely September

I'm sittin' here all by myself
just tryin' to think of something to do
Tryin' to think of something, anything
just to keep me from thinking of you
But you know it's not working out
'cause you're all that's on my mind
One thought of you is all it takes
to leave the rest of the world behind


Well I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn't mean to get so close and share what we did
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back, but I know you did

I'm sittin' here tryin' to convince myself
that you're not the one for me
But the more I think, the less I believe it
and the more I want you here with me
You know the holidays are coming up
I don't want to spend them alone
Memories of Christmas time with you
will just kill me if I'm on my own

Well I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn't mean to get so close and share what we did
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back

I know it's not the smartest thing to do
we just can't seem to get it right
But what I wouldn't give to have one more chance tonight
One more chance tonight

I'm sittin' here tryin' to entertain myself with this old guitar
But with all my inspiration gone it's not getting me very far
I look around my room and everything I see reminds me of you
Oh please, baby won't you take my hand
we've got nothing left to prove

Shame.

Past yourself forget the light, things look dirty when it's on. Funny how it comes to pass, that all the good slips away And there's no one around you can remember being good to you

Shame, shouldn't try you, couldn't step by you And open up more Shame, shame, shame

What we lost here is something better left alone Second steps have been forgotten, will you tell me how they go? Set yourself, situate, like a fool try again! There's no one around you can remember being good, for you

So Shame, shouldn't try you, couldn't step by you And open up more Shame, shame, shame

We never thought we'd get so troubled. We could never think that much. It should never get this BAD

So let the wind blow ya, across a big floor But there's no one around who can tell us what we're here for Funny in a certain light, how we all look the same And there's no one in life you can remember ever stood, for you, so Shame.

Letting Go

Letting Go


All growing is changing
from one state to another.

Leaving a world behind,
entering the fear of the unaccustomed;
of colors that don't blend,
of holy words that jar,
of fractures that give rise to visions.

We have left one realm
but have not arrived at the other.
We have given up one safety
but not gained another.
Above the gazing crowd
the trapeze artist lets go of her swing,
and then, if her timing is right,
seizes the other swing,
without asking time to stop for her.
That is the flight into growth.

That is the changeover
in which we experience out nakedness
to the point of hurting.
But there is no real growth without leaping,
without burning bridges
and standing wide-eyed and shivering
on a new shore.

And yet without growth there is nothing.

-Ulrich Schaffer

ohhh triathon training, fasting and phones

I absolutely despise running. I don't know how this triathlon thing is going to work. I ran one mile yesterday. the last quarter mile was brutal I didn't want to finish. I'm gonna try for 1.5 on Saturday (and I'll food in my stomach then)

Speaking of a lack of food in my stomach the second day of a three day fast is not as bad as the first. Although I'm starting to lose grasp of what's in front of me and I cannot focus. God can work with me in any state. I feel peace already with some situations that I haven't felt real peace about in years. I just need to remain focused for the remainder of the fast and see what visions God will cast into my life.

Last but not least my phone shut off at 6am this morning. The way it shut off I can understand why Diahnne calls my life a sitcom.

If sinners be damned.

"If Sinners be damned, at least let them leap to hell over our bodies. If they will perish, let them perish with our arms about their knees, . Let no one go unwarned and unprayed for."-Charles Spurgeon

I've been thinking about if I live this way. If the sinners in my life are damned and I letting them go unwarned and unprayed for.

I repent for the lack of boldness and for the inaction. No one shall go unwarned or unprayed for.

My life according to Matchbox 20

Using song names from one artist answer the questions. Since I'm bored at work this is what's happening.

Male or Female?
Girl Like That

Describe yourself.
Last Beautiful Girl ( ha a bit cocky but its the name of the game)

How do you feel.
Dizzy

Describe where you currently live.
Real World

If you could go somewhere where would you go?
Million Miles (as in a million miles away from here)

Your favorite form of transportation
Leave

Your best friend is
All I need ( Jesus is all I need..straight up homies)

You and your best friend are
Black and White People ( actually I don't know that many white people anymore)

What's the weather like
Mad Season (this is def not lyrics based..b/c my life was like the lyrics at one point)

If your life were a t.v show what would it be called
Loss, strain and Butterfiles

What is life to you
Long Day/ Bright Lights

Your relationship
You won't be mine / Yourself or someone like you

What is the best advice you have to give
Push (I have better but the name of the game....)

Thought for the day
Could I be you

How would you like to die
Paint me Blue

My soul's present condition
Forever December

My motto
Back 2 Good.

yeah I'm nuts but can you hum.

two blog posts in one day whoo who. Who reads this leave a comment!
I wonder if I hummed a song if someone could tell me who sang it. here goes( hmmm. hmmm hmmmmmmmm. ohhh ohhh ohhhhhh.. your beautiful.) I know silly Moni that not humming But I need to know. its been in my head since 635am.

in my mind: thoughts on change

Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better.

I do not like change. I tend to fall into the fearful catorgory. At time like this though I'm optimistic in the sense of how could things get worse it could only get better from here.

Then of course the other shoe drops:-(

Which leaves me of course still being a hater of change but having to go through with it anyways because circumstances will not allow change not to occur. If only I could have change at my own course maybe I would be more willing to change.

I do find hope though from Jesus knowing that he is my strong tower and my refuge when thing are good and when things are bad keep me going when things are bad. Like today and yesterday and the day before. I've stopped (not entirely) looking at my life as a series of bad days full of change I don't care to happen and started to look at my days as the days the Lord has made And i am Glad and I rejoice.

Taking it back to the quote: without Jesus I am fearful of change, with Jesus I'm an confident.

Trying to be healthy.

It is really expensive to eat really colorful. The nutritionist says you should make your plate as colorful as possible in order to get the nutrition you need for the day. I went to the store yesterday and I bought fruits (peaches and apples) and my favorite spinach plus lean meats and healthy stuff and it cost me $80 bucks. Now i know that it enough for two weeks so it adds up to $160 a month and prob less(considering I hadn't gone to the store in over a month and a half) but normally I would spend half of that every two weeks. I need food stamps. But the University of Florida has found another way to screw me over with those as well. I'm trying to figure out if fruits and vegetables are so good for you why are they expensive to come by. I can see why a family of 6 will get obese or have a bad lipids panel: its so much cheaper to eat bad.
Also in the efforts of challenging myself I have decided to compete in a triathlon. I have been thinking about it for quite some time. I consider it a stepping stone to making it on to Amazing Race. I was going to train for one in October until I started reading this website on Triathlon training for beginners and I saw just how delusional I was. I'm giving myself a year. By next summer I want to compete in my first Triathlon(I don't know how many more will actually follow) Its going to be interesting considering I just learned how to swim, can't run two miles continuously, and learned how to ride a bike at 17 and was never any good at it. But I'm a moderately active person so the goal is just to push myself.

Starting over.

its been a long time and a lot of growth since I've posted a blog. I didn't like where the blogs were going so I stopped posting them with the hope when I returned my head would be in a different place and the things running in and out of my mind would be something i wouldn't mind publishing. So now im starting over. My hope is if anyone actually tunes in and reads one of my blogs they learn something about me or the world im living in. I hope that I don't back down from sharing my faith and the roadblocks and my biggest hope is that I can provide some sort of encourgement to someone who might go through the same things. alrighty then. Have fun reading.